The scent of you, it calms my heart

H.I.M Lyrics.

2005-08-09T04:55:52Z

"Lose You Tonight"

Don't run away
I can't live without you
Please stay
And I learn to love you right

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
I've been crying for you
Dying for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna
Lose you tonight
No, I ain't gonna lose you tonight

Don't run away
I never wanted to hide you
Please stay
And I learn to treat you right

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I've been crying for you
Dying for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna
Lose you tonight

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I've been crying for you
Dying for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna
Lose you tonight

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life

Oh, I can't live without you

And I've been crying for you
Dying for you all this time

I never want adore you

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna
Lose you tonight

I ain't gonna lose you tonight

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I've been crying for you
Dying for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I ain't gonna
Lose you tonight

For me, love is masochism

2005-08-08T18:34:55Z

I know it's wrong to love you from afar, but it's a craze.
I'm waiting for something to say.
I have nothing to say.

You could sit on your front porch and watch the wasps dive down.
You could go out every night and force cheap beer down.
You could go all day and not make a sound.

Yeah, well, it's fine.
I guess.

love isnt perfect, love is just love

people say what's the point in loving someone who doesn't love you back, and they are right, there is no point.... but you can't help who you like, it's not up to you, your heart just kinda decides for you.... and there's no turning back once your heart makes up it's mind....

it's like you wanted to see how bad you could hurt me, how many times you could make me cry, before i finally got mad....

to love someone is to see something no one else sees

what is it exactly that you want me to do... you know i sit here all day thinking about you and how i dont know what the eff is going on and how i want to be with you. and all you do is send me mixed sigles. you either want me or you dont... i cant sit here and feel guilty for the rest of my life for hurting you. i dont understand why you keep holding on to me if in the end youll only let me go again. im not asking for much, i just cant cry over this anymore...

i wanted to tell you that i still love you, but..
it came out "call if you ever need to talk"

Question.

2005-08-06T14:38:53Z

I have to ask you a question.

It's a good one so think about it.

If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together,
when do you get to that point of enough is enough?

A Start.

2005-08-05T22:06:54Z

YOU ARE ALL DELETED, KSORRY

unless you do the following:

+your name.
++your age.
+++post a memory.
++++how long i've known you.
+++++why are we friends
&& reason you should stay a "friend of mine"
++++++one thing you like about me

& i'll consider
if not you are deleted.

goodbye.

& you asked me tonight..do you believe in love at first sight?

2005-07-05T06:42:16Z

So everything really is going according to plan. I got my wish.

beach haven
fantasy island
top of the ferris wheel
magic
romance
kiss
hold hands
you make me smile inside & out
meting your friends
they make you happy
i like it when you laugh
"oooooooooooooh, shit"
getting shitted on by a seagul.
watching the sun going down. on the beach
you holding me
fireworks
you make me feel so safe
i love the way you make me feel whole again.
snuggled in your hoddie
warpped up in your arms
you hold my hand
as we drive home
rage against machine
long dark roads
two lovers in a lane
you are the other half of me
or at least my brain
thank you, love.

june.11th

I fall in love with you just thinking about you, remembering all the memories we've made... falling in love for the first time, our first kiss, saying our first "I love you's", finding more to love about each other every day. And whenever I think about all the wonderful things that lie ahead of us, I fall totally and completely in love with you all over again.You're the only thing going through my head now, but i think thats ok. For once I've found someone completely amazing. someone i can tell my secrets to, someone I can finally be myself around. I guess it scares me a little bit because no ones ever treated me like you do. You love me for me, and it's scary because it's a new feeling that, although i'm glad that i'm sharing it with you, it frightens me a little bit to think that could come to an end. Promise me it won't come to an end. I love you. Don't ever say goodbye.

you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope that
keeps me trusting you
are my purpose you
hold me in your hands
you wont let me fall.
you are all i need
you are everything.

you came to me like a dream
the kind that always leaves
just as the best part starts
it ends so abruptly.

I don't think he understands how much I really like him. If he did, I think everything would be different. It's weird, I never thought we'd be even friends but now...even when I hear his voice I smile. It's crazy, how people change your outlook on life so much. Before I met him I didn't have anything to live for, but now...I dont know, he just makes me feel like the best things in life really are worth waiting for. He can make me smile when I'm really mad or when I'm knee-deep in tissues...I think that means something. I can't stay mad at him for longer than 5 minutes coz then he'll turn around and say something so sweet..I don't know. Theres just something about him that makes me happy no matter what, and even though he won't ever feel the same way about me...He's what keeps me holding on

Thunder storms could never stop me

2005-06-30T12:14:23Z

I hate how you can come back into my life like you never left.
It kills me.
You kill me.
You make me feel like i'm not good enough for you so you need to have more people are.
I need to get you out of my head, I know I could do better.
But i'm a hopeless romantic, just like you.
Isn't that what you used to tell me when we held hands?
When we would kiss?
I hated seeing you last night.
I hated the fact that I was excited to see you.

I crave your sleeping body next to mine more than any words can express. As I lay in the dark, in a cold and empty bed, I think of all the things I want to say to you, all the things I want to scream at you, but never will.

Two stark words come to my mind when I think of where you have left me. Two words that I will never utter to you because I love you and because I hate you. I can feel the words rotting in the back of my throat, sitting on an explosive foundation of hot tears that easily erupt when I think of you.

I keep thinking about the way you used to be, the way we used to be, and when the reality of today hits me, I feel like I have just suddenly fallen out of my bed, blinking my sleepy eyes into the light with confusion and disassociation.

My God, if you only knew. I pray with disbelief, I pray to no one, but I pray nonetheless that this sadness that you have induced upon me will wash away. But I feel that the more I try to wash it off, the more I rub, the deeper it spreads into me. And in the shower, of all places, my tears evaporate with the hot steam of the water, and I shudder out of loneliness.

I don't really know whats right, but I'm trying. I really am

2005-06-29T11:38:01Z

Things have been really hard lately.
Please forgive me if I've been distant or rude.
It hasn't been on purpose.

I just want to be happy.
I hate everyone.
except a selected few.

I told someone I loved him.
Whether this news will make him happy, or digust him...
I guess I will find out soon.

I havent really gotten my hopes up.
it is always the same.
It just will repeat again.

now I have nothing.
he is gone.
he wont love me.
i have nothing.

i feel sick.

I don't get you.
I can't forget what you've forgotten
all along.
I've never been so alone.
Don't cry out.

i know you'll read this & think

2005-06-28T17:37:58Z

i
lied
i
don't
want
to
love
you
anymore

i
am
having
my
doubts.

sorry.

i bite my lip too much, but it's ok
cause i had you once
you disappeared on me, but i'm not angry

i'll miss you
i'll miss you

i took too many pills, but it's ok
cause i had you once
one day i won't wake up, we'll all be happy

you'll miss me
you'll miss me

nothing left to, complain about
no more drinking, no more going out
no more violence, no more bravery
no more intercourse, no more easy
just a handshake, from me to you

his skin disease, has got inside of you

no more intercourse, no more easy
no more easy.

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else

2005-06-27T06:50:57Z

me: its like i totally for the first time saw this big mush of love...inside of me
elisa: aw man, thats just amazing. its great seeing you happy
me: ur the best <3
elisa: as are you love <333
me: like i was so scared..yet it was perefect to me
elisa: then it is perfect, who thought mayann could ever say i love you and be happy? aw man im so happy you finally have it, the relationship, the guy youve always wanted to
me: ur maken me cheeze
elisa: hehe well if you think about it, its true. you finally have what youve always wanted, what has made you sad for so long because you longed for it. and now you found the right person who can fill that little spot in your heart that not many can

& tonight we said
the three words

"i love you"

even though it took numerous hours
& me turning my head
gosh, i felt like a little kid
so scared to look in his eyes
i can't help it

Because no matter what anyone else thinks... I really do love him. All these things I say I feel, I really do. Looking at him takes my breath away and makes me heart skip a beat, smelling his smell does things to my insides... His smile... there aren't words. His touch sends electrical currents throughout me. I never knew that that stuff was real.

As I sit here with my hand gripping yours
I know that I dont need anything more than this.
All I need is your hand and the sound of your breathe
and I know everything will be ok

Love is tricky.
Some people dont even believe in love. Some people live for love, look for love, need love. Others take love if it comes to them but they dont go looking for it.

I have been told, and recently started to believe that love has 3 levels :

The first love level is how you love your family. That's a give-in. You may not admit to loving them, but it's something that arrives the day you are born. You are bonded by blood, a complex, but simple love.

The second love level is the way you love your friends. How you love your friends is the middle category between family and lovers. Friends can easily move up or down levels to being a lover and/or family(to an extent). From my point of view, being a friend has oh so many advantages, such as the shifting of categories. There are times when you tell your friend(s) you love them; there are times when you really dont need to/have to vocalize that aspect of your relationship because that's how strong a friendship can be. You dont necessarily overflow with love when you are with a friend, its almost like a strong appreciation.

The last, but the strongest love level is, the way you actually love. The way you vent your love to an individual. The way that this love spills out when you are around them; how you just dont want to keep it in. The type of love that makes you want to express anything and everything and never stop. The love that almost makes everything seem perfect. The best love, but also the worst love. The hardest love, the most tragic love, the love that has the unruliest way of breaking your heart. Being in love with a very well known stranger; not someone bonded to you by blood, but someone you consider more than a friend. Someone you feel incredibly passionate about. Definitely the strongest and most perfervid level.

I had always thought that love only came in two levels. The family level, and the friend level. I always assumed that the friend level was able to fluctuate between the your ability to consider your friend more like a lover or not. Being a lover never was in its own special category/level. I'm not sure why it never grew to be one seperate category? Possibly I have not loved as of late, possibly I had just not thought of making it it's own category?

Times have changed and after deliberation; my love is now in three categories. You would think that after making love into it's own category, I would have more of an accurate value of what it actually is. Truthfully, now that love is on it's own, I feel uneasy, unsecure. When love was in with friendship, and relationships occured, you were still in the friendship zone. It seemed like a safer way to always be friends; there wasn't a simple and clean cut line between being a lover or a friend.

love is the realization of sorts.

Maybe I need to come to terms with a new reality.The reality that not everyone has potential.

2005-06-26T11:34:36Z

I kinda want to swallow some flesh eating bacteria right now,
so they can eat my insides away.
Wait.
It already feels like my insides are being eaten away.

I can't deal with this. I seriously can't.

I don't know how I feel about feeling. ~~Especially externally installed emotions.~~

I don't know how bad I'll lose control this time, or maybe I'll be able to pull it all back.

I already figured out that life was pretty much a joke, so now I'm just seeing how it develops. I guess when you see things and fully immerse youself in such a third party perspective as myself, the world around you is so much more interesting, and just plain fun.

If I killed myself though, to me it would be wicked funny. But unfortunately I'd be the only one to think it would be funny. The thin line that I walk on that lies between meaningful and meaningless is one that isn't easily comprehended. My line is reversed so to speak. Things of the greatest importance are of little of importance to me which makes me very 3 dimensionally unhealthy, and at risk. But lord knows if I care.

I've also been thinking about why I'm in this body, and why anyone is any body. Out of all the places and people in the world, I'm in the body of May Ann that lives in Burlington, NJ. And I will be in this person's body for the rest of this lifetime. I think that's amazing. That you, the person reading this is you, and I am me. And you and I can both create ourselves and create our own perfectly unique identities and perceptions to be anything we want them to be, and then output them to be introduced to other people's perceptions.

I refuse to believe that old age leads to dying.
I accept to believe that dying leads to old age.

the last meal.

2005-06-23T12:39:33Z

post a time we laughed together
or had a delightful time together.

& i will consider adding you back
if you do not add me
you shall be deleted

kthankyou

I want to be the one he thinks of when he falls asleep at night.

2005-06-22T13:07:41Z

something i made in art.

The thing about you is,
you're fun.
You make me laugh.
You make me feel more alive.
And, okay, you make me
a little crazy sometimes.

But there are these moments
in my mind,
crystal-clear images
of you and me
and how we fit together,
and it all makes such perfect
sense, and I know what I want.

I want time with you.
I want to hear you whisper
and talk and yell,
I want to touch you so softly
it puts you to sleep,
I want to fall in love so deeply with you that,
even when it's not all fun,
I can look at you
as I do now and say,
as I do now,
"Yes, you're the one."

since i've been with you..i've never had a bad day

2005-06-20T12:50:13Z

Being near you is indescribable, I could stay here all day; you're so warm, the look in your eyes makes me so happy to be alive, the way your face feels, the way you move, every little thing you do. The smell of your hair that stays on me forever, the way you dry my eyes & promise me everything is going to be alright. The way you kiss me good night as we watch eachother fall asleep. Your feet nudging mine as we hold our hands even tighter, could you be any more perfect if you tried? Your laugh, your smile, everything about you just makes me so happy. How you told me you were never going to leave. I would never have imagined anyone like you until I met you. You're the 1st thing I think of in the morning & the last thing at night. The way you helplessly ask me to hold you. I'm in love. & sorry if I'm ever a mess it's just there's no need to put on a front when I'm with you, & sorry if I ever bore you to death, just being with you & wasting my time with you makes my day. I'm the luckiest girl because I have the greatest boyfriend, you're the absolute perfect guy for me. You're my other half & I could never ask for more.

I've found all I've waited for, and I could not ask for more.

2005-06-18T14:25:29Z

Dear You,

I feel invisible. Neglected. Discarded. Even empty bottles of Nyquil feel more needed. I've grown weary of jumping through hoops to please you. To be accepted. I've grown accustomed to your uncaring sideways glance.

I can't think of anything else that I can do so you could take a moment to see me. Tirelessly waving my hands at you just so you could think me worthy of your time.

I walk on eggshells around you. Land mines. My limbs blown off and re-sewn on me everytime I try to come near you. Isn't the endless ocean enough of an insurmountable distance? Must you close your soul off to me?

Am I not deep enough for you? Not smart enough? Too needy? Too dependent? Would you rather I pretend that I don't need your validation? Your friendship?

Oh you look at me now and laugh inside. You feel yourself getting more irritated. You read this, or perhaps not but still feel the undeniable urge to slap me across the face and be done with me.

And you tell me not to think little of myself. How can I not? You don't even think of my little self. Not once today. Not once yesterday. I'm just a little blip in your otherwise uncluttered world.

A fly. You know what though? If it would make you look at me hard enough, I will gladly provide you with the rolled up newspaper to hunt me with and end this. All this. I've grown tired.

I've grown weary. I've lost hope.

No matter how hard you try to get over someone, you will still have some sort of feeling for them, remembering the ways things used to be, and how they are now. And you sometimes hope that the new person in their life was still you, and everything was how it used be, erasing all the bad things that happened. Time is supposed to make things better, but in love it doesn't. Although we have been apart for a while, and now have diferent loves in our life, I stil can't help wondering how your life is, and when I catch you glancing at me, I can't help but wonder if your heart beats a little faster, as mine does when I see you.

There's something about you now..Everything he does is right

2005-06-17T02:48:29Z

the main event
kyle.
"adam brody wouldn't do that..."

get at me, nukka
this is your girl, macy.

holler @ me, beady.

I need you. I need that guy who can make me laugh just by the way he says hello when I pick up the phone.. the guy who makes my hands shake when I'm sitting next to him .. and the guy who isn't afraid to keep hugging me when I'm not ready to let go yet.

When he looks at me.... I don't want to turn away. Usually, when any guy looks me in the eyes.. I have to look away after about 3 seconds, but with him.. I struggle to take my eyes off of him

show me what you're made of.

2005-06-15T10:13:32Z

It really sucks finding out that the people you used to be friends with are nothing to you anymore, Your just a piece of shit if your reading this. I hope doing that really made you feel good. I don't understand you one bit anymore.
I'm pissed
fuck off and die you whore bag
but
anyways life goes on and there is so many more people that are better than you
TA-TA

I don't write in this for other people. I write in this mainly to express myself, and say everything I need to say regardless of who's reading or not. So I don't give a shit if I have like a 3 page entry or something.

I wish more people had more interesting things to say and talk about. I wish intelligence was far more abundant.

I'm disappointed.

What I'm getting at ultimately is I despise this hellhole, this mass distortion of our senses, and this nation that is on the brink of sinking. I was born a revolutionary. And the only reason I live is to see and coast transcendence to a new beginning and turn THE NEW WORLD back into a truly NEW WORLD.

The divorce rate. The crime rate. The pollution. The substance abuse. The carelessness. The severe lack of DISCIPLINE, INTEGRITY, HONESTY, SECURITY, and PURE INTELLIGENCE needs to be extinguished. I can't even breathe sometimes. I hate living here. In this time. In this place. With these mindless drones that fixate on what they think is the REAL WORLD.

There's no real world. Money is an illusion. There's no unique divine influence in our government. It's just people in suits bossing other people around.

There's no such thing as "growing up." The standard view of growing up, moving out, going to college, and "doing something with your life" is just dying in fear of dying. The key to life is to NEVER GROW UP. I'm not kidding. Frankie verified this for me. Listen to his song "Young At Heart."

Life is about never stopping trying new things. Life is about not drowning in your daily routine and working yourself to death. Life is not about dying for something you believe in, nor is it letting everyone rule your beliefs.

Life is keeping a sense of humor. Playfulness. Enjoying the little shit, without worry, without care.

We care too much. We have no faith. We plan and we plan and we plan and we plan. And we never take into account the law of Murphy. ANYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG WILL GO WRONG. You plan too much, and you're just planning on being disappointed.

I'm sorry if I keep on repeating myself over and over about things I believe to be true. But this is what I think about at every waking second of the day, and I just need to say it somehow somewhere so I don't explode.

I hate America especially. It's a smorgasborg of blind cultureless idiots not even living, but simply surviving. Everyone is so faithless around here.

I don't think it's natural to fear death. But it seems that's the only way the world has been functioning forever. Death is so natural, and death is inevitable. If everyone and everything has to reach a point of death, what is the sense of fearing it. And if it bothers you so much to not know what happens in death, figure out what happens at death. Just don't go through life making sure you do everything to avoid the inevitable unknown.

As humanity, I think the time has come to just rid ourselves entirely of ridiculous insecurities that have binded us, and grounded us into an insignificant existence. I find that what everyone has made so significant in their own lives, has become extremely insignificant.

Every day, I walk out into the world and all I see is a bunch of hopeless people, everywhere, doing so many things, and not knowing just exactly why they're doing what they're doing.

look in my eyes. if you think that i'll let you go... you're out of your mind

2005-06-12T00:22:20Z

it is offical
you are a thief
you stole my heart.

there’s something about you now. I can’t quite figure it out. everything he does is beautiful. everything he does is right.

I have realized that every time i'm around you, I'm happy

2005-06-09T21:59:58Z

I have all these feelings -- these weird feelings -- and I've had this burning desire to express them. But I can't. I just can't. And these feelings -- they're trapped -- they're like stuck in my heart... And I just feel so lonely.

When a girl hates you the way she hates you, that really means she likes you.
That's basic kindergarten psychology.

I care about you so much, but if I ever lost you, I would be standing here totally void of anything else in my life. I live in total fear of doing nothing, of going nowhere, and that is why I shut you out. Because if I can't have something to hold onto independently from you, then I don't have anything at all.

At a certain point, the whole thing just becomes too much to process, and your brain gets taken out of the loop, and all you have to rely on is your heart, your natural human instincts. It's liberating... not at first of course, at first it's terrifying, like falling... but that's the point, isn't it?

someone out there is meant to be the love of your life, your best friend, your soulmate, the one you can tell your dreams to. he'll smile at you when you tell him, but he'll never laugh at your heart. he'll brush the hair out of your eyes and send you flowers when you least expect it. he'll call you to tell you goodnight before you get into bed or just because he is thinking about you. he'll be bursting to talk to you each morning just to hear the sound of your voice. he'll look into your eyes and tell you that you are the most beautiful girl he has ever seen and for the first time in your life ... you'll believe it

look in my eyes. if you think that i'll let you go... you're out of your mind

2005-06-09T00:22:57Z

i guess you didn't realize
how much you mean
to me until the past couple days.

"and at the same time, i realized how much u meant to me"

It’s surprising how many persons got through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you’re not comfortable within yourself, you can’t be comfortable with others

all my life i've fought hard for the things i have wanted, caught up in blindly believing the strongest survive, but here, in your eyes, i see everything i've ever needed and I'm afraid, if i rush in, if i move too fast, i just might frighten my one chance away.

Sometimes I look at you, and I wonder...do you ever sit here...and look at me too?

2005-06-08T01:01:59Z

"i think you'd be more secure if i was articulate in writing as you are"
"if i wrote as much as yu, u'd see how i feel and wouldn't be as worried"

"i felt really close to you"
"you where, silly"
"not physically, even though i was"

"when we were joking around about the whole border thing"

"i mean i was making fun of you, but it felt like there was something more there
just the way our eyes connected when talking"

"its like such a treat when you actualy look me in my eyes. you hardly ever do"
"you don't seem to look me in the eyes much, so it makes more special when you actually do"

"i like those kinds of things
i like when people can look me in my eyes
it makes things more sincere and meaning full"

"are you sad when i leave"
no just sadden
"you always hug me tight and try to make me stay"
=)
"seriously
sometimes i wish i could just pack u up and take you home instead of leavin u"

"i crossed the border"
"i swear"
::pouts::

In high school, there were days when you felt like nothing was worth getting out of bed for. But then, you remembered you were going to see him... your day was gonna have all these moments... moments that were full of possibility, when you were sure that something... something was gonna happen There will come a time in your life when you will become infatuated with a single soul. For this person you'd do anything and not think twice about it, but when asked why ... you have no answer. You'll try your whole life to understand how a single person can affect you as much as they do, but you'll never find out. And no matter how badly you hate it or how badly it hurts ... you'll love this person without regret, for the rest of your life.

I look at him and he looks back at me with his beautiful eyes, smiles, and it pathetically makes my day

We have this unspoken connection. We see each other, lock eyes, smile that one certain smile that means nothing to anyone else, but the world to us, and keep going on.

love just isnt about the hugs and kisses or the i love you's or the i miss you's, its about the butterflies you get and the chills that run down your spine.. that pain you get when he walks away and you dont know why

All the jagged parts of my life have come together to form a complete and mystical whole.

2005-06-05T12:42:29Z

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

note to self:
life comes with no guarantees,
no time outs,
no second chances,
you just have to live life to the fullest.
laugh as much as you can,
spend all your money,
tell someone what they mean to you,
tell someone off,
speak out,
dance in the pouring rain,
hold someones hand,
comfort a friend,
pig out,
fall asleep watching the sun come up,
stay up late,
be a flirt,
smile till your face hurts,
dont be afraid to take chances or fall in love...
& most of all live in the moment

from:
the girl who wants to take risks

I don't want you to be better off without me.

2005-06-04T15:29:56Z

5.20

you have my heart
you can keep it
hold it gently
the end.

"this could be love..."

"may dont ruin this now, by not talking to me
you'll never know what we could have had together"

"you scared me for a second, buddy"
"why"
"i thought i was losing you"
"losing"
"well the 11days that we had
to put it simply
the connections"

"i can't believe u'd give up something that easliy"

"ive been promised too..lied too"
"may i have a heart too"

"am i worth your pain.."

All girls are filled with this hope in their hearts that things are going to get better, that things are going to change. and maybe we're ridiculous because of it, but it's there all the same

What if there's no such thing as true love but we're just too afraid to admit it? so we keep on dressing up, we keep on pretending to be something that we're not. we keep on turning our lives upside down, losing ourselves in something that we hope is better than what we think we are. what if that something we're looking for, just doesn't exist?

I know you think of me as just a friend, and that crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you'd ever consider. But I have to say it ... I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't look into your eyes without feeling that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. The truth is, I can’t be with you like this. I mean, I know I said that I could, but I can’t. I just can’t compromise myself like that. I mean, I’m an emotional person. I feel things and I need to be able to get upset, and talk about how I’m feeling. I mean, that’s just, that’s who I am, and I can’t change it. I don’t want to. And the thing is, you knew that, you knew it, and you still pursued me. Because you want something with me. You just aren’t strong enough to have it. Which in a way makes you a coward. And the saddest part is that, one day you’re going to wake up, and you’re going to realized what you missed and its going to be too late.

I always thought it was dumb for him to pick me in the first place. I'm not special, I never was, never will be. He just made me believe I was and broke my heart when he finally realized I wasn't

I've lost myself. There's nothing left. It's all gone. Deep inside of you

once again.

2005-05-31T19:46:05Z

the new thing to do
is add me to myspace.

http://www.myspace.com/17395635

for the pure fact that i am an idiot
not once, not twice
but for the third time
i have a myspace.

you never leave my mind

2005-05-30T17:49:45Z

My problem is that I replace positive addictions with negative ones. Although I see the error in this, I do it almost without thinking. How much easier is it to fall back on old addictions when relatively new ones remove themselves from your life?

In addition to being creatures of habit, humans are also thinking creatures...beings who search for the easiest path, whether or not easier means healthier. And so the question arises: Is it easier to suffer physically or emotionally?

Sometimes I'm scared that I'll do this for the rest of my life. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll have to be hiding scars and cuts and burns forever. And I look at my arm and see that every month it gets more scarred and ugly...and I wonder how it will look in ten years if I don't stop now. I wonder why I feel like I can't stop.

But other times I could really give a damn if I do it for the rest of my life...sometimes I really don't care if I have the ugliest arm(s) in the world, as long as for those few minutes or hours I can forget that I hurt inside and just focus on what's going on outside. As disgusting as it sounds, sometimes I just watch the blood run and am just glad that my mind is off of this fricken hurricane I have inside. I'm just glad that I'm not crying...

Oh, and I realized that I've been pathetic lately. This is NOT the way I deal with things. I'm not crying about this anymore.

"Cave Painting"

Stars across my sky
That live then blink then die
Tear off a peice of my heart.
I cry blood inside like salt
To heal the wounds that won't go away.
Fire that comes to turn my soul to ash
To mix with liquid drops of pain;
Make paint
To smear upon the walls of my memory.
Make me dead inside
So I don't feel it when I fall
Into the flame we do this tribal dance around
To ward off evil freedom.
If I could choose,
I'd be a star across your sky.
I'd make you live.
I'd blink,
Then die.

And right now, my heart feels so lonely.

Tryin to hide her blush...Caught you looking for a second...Felt my heart rush

2005-05-29T13:08:16Z

whispers get louder as the tears finally stop from falling. any care left in the world is slipping from my fingers which once counted the doubts up ahead. made of substance, and lacking care of any sort of well being or positive outcome leading from prior failure and experience. don't expect anything, won't get letdown. i expect nothing, i get nothing, i am never letdown. you can have everything, and loose it. you can have nothing, neither loose anything. having nothing, should mean more than having something. anything. lonely, but not alone. alone, but never lonely. moments fluctuating. physically ill but doing things to take the pain away momentarily, leading to more pain eventually. emotionally ill, no longer, nor is it questioned. these past weeks are vague to the question if it ever really happened. ask me what i did, i can only remember the obvious. my life is a blur, everything passes me by as i go unnoticed. blue but shielded. neither sensical, but feeling rational and merely retainable.

i want to be taken advantage of; almost as though i'm testing myself. vulnerable and haven't a care in the world. living a life in lies; lured into a false sense of security.

i miss you dearly, love.
"you look so beautiful it hurts me slightly"

and in those seconds i remebered that voice,
the first time i heard it over the phone, the first
time i heard it in person, the first time it laughed,
the first time it said i miss you, the first time it made me simply

feel.

and i realized how in a very short time
what an enormous amount of
comfort and love i have developed
towards him. just so close

and it's times like these. where regret comes in, and think of the things wishing could change before any of this had happened. the sounds of birds from the bathroom window outside is the only thing needed to feel comforted, and appreciate the finer things in this dream like life. head in the white and mistakes filling the bowl. the sound of your insides rotting is enough to cry for forgiveness. and given another chance. times like these. listing all the things in your mind that you would change if only you could get this all over with successfully, or if it never happened to begin with. if there were a wish at this moment, it would be the bottle. the bottle that led to this, and other things that went sour. atleast then i'll be numb.

to recover. but what if it was a last chance? no second chances? and if you get that chance by luck, or even if it went unnoticed - recover from it, you'll only go back and repeat the same mistakes you made that led to this point. all the ideas now, won't mean a thing tomorrow, don't even mean a thing now. these mistakes will never be a lesson learned. not even a hard one. the only way this lesson will be learned is when it'll be the end, and the ones suffering from them are anyone but the procreator. this isn't the way.

i wish to sleep this off,
but i fear if i sleep,
i won't wake up again.

what am i doing? oh what am i doing to myself? to my body. times like these i swear i won't repeat my mistakes from here on out. i swore i would learn, but those mistakes has led me to this. i really want this one last chance. i want, any chance. i want a chance and not take advantage of it thinking it doesn't matter, and i'll be fine. the chance that will make a difference. but i'm not strong enough to overcome it. saying things like that, don't help any. maybe that's where i'm going wrong. i need belief in myself, and the drive to get past it. to suceed. to not destroy myself. i have inspiration, i have the love. but i fear. it's now or never.